Ludwig Van Beethoven - Christina Guzman

I don't know how to start. I feel like I have so much to say but the words just can't come out. I've typed and deleted, typed and deleted... How can I talk about someone that means so much to me, someone who, if it wasn't for them...I more than likely wouldn't be here?? Someone I think this world still needs but my selfishness feels robbed that he's not? Words can't describe Chi -but I guess I'll just start from the beginning...

My love for Deftones started a long time ago when my family out in Sacramento introduced me to their music in the mid/late 90's. Like many others, it became an obsession. That obsession helped me find one of my best friends. THEE best friend. Crazy obsessed Deftones fan like me (he actually heard Deftones playing from my discman at school and hunted me down. And that's how we met). The one best friend where we just clicked. I was the only person he could turn to. No one believed his struggles. He was "too funny." Flash forward one summer, I'm out in Sacramento. My mom calls my aunt's house to tell me that someone was calling our house all night, but by the time they got to the phone it would stop ringing. It was my best friend. He killed himself that night. I wasn't there. I promised him I'd always be there. I wasn't. The guilt weighed on me. I don't know how many times I tried to follow in his footsteps. I had to go to therapy. I was medicated. My own grandfather found me overdosed on pain pills and vodka, but the pain never went away. One night a year or so later, I got on deftones website, like I did all of the time. I was having a bad night. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I needed an outlet, I needed to vent and felt like I had nowhere to turn to. I started typing on the message board, discussing my best friend. How much he loved Deftones and told his story. The more I talked about him though, the more depressed I got. That was it. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was ready. Then I got a reply. Moderator. Chi Cheng. I froze. I thought it had to be a joke, but it wasn't. He started asking me questions. We went back and forth. He started talking to me about my best friend. He made me open my eyes, discussing different aspects of life, the universe, just, everything in general. I wouldn't say he lectured me or gave me advice, which was intriguing, rather, he just made me see things so much differently. I still couldn't believe it. Here it is the middle of the night, I'm getting ready to end my life, and here is this man I've never met, but looked up to, staying up and talking to me, talking me out of doing something that would cause so much hurt to people. The same hurt I was going though. I never told him I was going to kill myself that night. That I was getting ready to do that, but his reply had stopped me. But I think he knew. I looked at Deftones differently after that. And seeing Chi always put a smile on my face. I'd go to shows, and go to the right of the stage, to be in front of chi. I'd stare at him in astonishment, wondering if he knew how many people were in front of him that he's probably saved and didn't even know. The giddy school girl in me wanted to yell "hey, it's me! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!" But I knew that was silly. The accident. No way. Not him. My phone kept ringing. Why him? Why of all people did it have to be him? Why not me? He saved me. I'm alive because of him. Can we trade? It wasn't fair. I wanted to be able to do something, but there was nothing I could do. I owed it to him, but what could I possibly do? I see that people are jumping on the ball. One love for chi. I look up causes, look up fundraisers. Fast forward, buckle up for chi. I remember tagging up the streets and Strip in Vegas with stickers when I lived out there. Anything to try to get the word out. That's the least I could do. I'd buy raffle ticket after raffle ticket year after year. LOSER. But hey, it's okay, it went for a great cause, and it helped promote Chi. That's what mattered! I'll keep buying tickets no matter what. Then I got lucky and won an autographed drumhead. I squealed like a pig out of excitement! Then came the raffles for Chi's personal belongings. No way! I had to get in on this. I know luck can't strike me twice but I'm still contributing! Beethoven. My number was pulled for his Beethoven statue. I screamed. I screamed so loud it made my boyfriend jump and I scared the dogs. My boyfriend thought I won Chi's bass, I was so over excited. I couldn't believe it. Then the day came when it was delivered. I had it delivered to my job cos I knew I'd be there. Sure enough, I was. I couldn't stop talking about it. Everyone in the office seemed as excited as I was when it finally came in. I was like a kid at Christmas, but still trying to be careful. Pulled beethoven out and the waterworks started. I was a mumbling fool. It was there. Something chi owned. Something he had in his room. Something from this man that I owe everything, and I mean everything to, is now in my possession. How could I get so lucky? How can I thank his family and BUFC enough? How can I show my appreciation and gratitude? Buckle up. Spread the word. Save lives. Continue to let Chi live though us. It may seem silly to some, but to me it's everything. I'm sorry for writing a book. Even with everything I have written, I still feel like I haven't explained enough.